Round 24: Zooey Deschanel v Hayden Panettiere

Our first semi-final round comes in the North Eastern Conference featuring 1st seed Zooey Deschanel and Hayden Panettiere (25th, 7.1).  Panettiere faced Emma Watson (44th, 6.1) in the first round of the tournament, beating her 7-3.

Preliminary Round Results

After 23 rounds of madness and mayhem, we finally have finished the preliminary rounds.  Rhona Mitra defeated Bridget Regan in Round 22 with an average hotness of 6.8 compared to Bridget Regan's 7.1.  This contradictory score is remedied, however, when comparing medians. Mitra's median score was an impressive eight, while Regan's was a seven.  Mitra will move onto face Angelina Jolie who won her round against Kristen Prout with an average score of 8.5.  Prout scored a 7 on both her average and median scores.  Jolie's median was an eight.

Round 23: Angelina Jolie v Kristen Prout

Our final preliminary round is upon us.  Baby-snatcher Angelina Jolie faces off against a rather unknown Kristen Prout. 

I don't really want to focus on Jolie in this write-up because depending on the size of her lips, her attractiveness varies.  Sometimes they are too big and other times they are too small.  Sometimes they are just right.  Enough said.  What I do want to talk about is how every girl must be absolutely jealous of her because she is married to Brad Pitt.  If Brad Pitt finds her attractive, I think it is under man law that every man must also find her attractive.  Same thing if someone is married to George Clooney. 

Round 22: Rhona Mitra v Bridget Regan

For some reason, this round is the first round to feature two primarily television actresses.  While we have had TV actresses in the bracket in the past, this is the first time two of them have faced each other head on.  Of the over one dozen television actresses on the bracket, only three of them have won.  Two of them, Chriqui and Vergara, are in the top ten holding fifth and sixth place on the leader board.  I guess technically we could say Rhona Mitra was in the Underworld: Rise of the Lycan movie, but it was so bad that I won't count it.

Round 21: Eliza Dushku v Charlize Theron

Eliza Dushku, best known for her role as Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, faces Charlize Theron, Academy Award winner in her role in Monster.  I have never heard of Eliza Dushku, but looking at the pictures of her, she is pretty attractive.  The question is, is she more attractive than Theron.  The brackets believe she isn't, favoring Theron by a 2-1 margin.

Round 20: Natalie Portman v Neve Campbell

I kind of feel bad for Neve Campbell. Everyone has her losing to Natalie Portman this round.  Natalie Portman is really hot though and Neve Campbell is getting kind of old, I mean her big hit was Scream, back in 1995.  That really was the peak of her acting career.  Natalie Portman on the other hand is really hot and is about to win an Oscar. I don't really know what else to say right now.  Since this was a short article, I'll do another one tonight!  Have I said Natalie Portman is really hot yet?

Round 19: Diane Kruger v Beyonce Knowles

The final round in the Eastern Bracket is upon us.  This powerhouse bracket holds every single predicted winner in the tournament, yet it is the Western bracket that holds the top two rated actresses.  Perhaps Beyonce and Diane Kruger can change that.  Kruger, a 34-year-old German actress, is most famous for her roles in National Treasure and Inglorious Basterds. Basterds, is a fantastic film, National Treasure, isn't.  And it unfortunately stars Nick Cage.  Luckily for Kruger, she is much better than Cage in almost every way.

Round 18: Emmanuelle Chriqui v Anna Kournikova

I picked Emmanuelle Chriqui to win the tournament, and so did another judge.  I will now tell you why she deserves to win.  First, she has an incredible face.  No other actress can pull off the unassuming beauty that Chriqui can.  For most actresses you look at her face and think, "Oh look at that stuck up bitch who thinks she's so hot," but not Chriqui.  Her face is friendly, approachable and sexy, but she is completely approachable.  It's a stunning beauty that makes you want to go say hello to her because she looks like more than just a piece of wax.  She is a living breathing human that, most importantly, isn't a bitch, even when you know you could never get with her.  Her face allows you to think "Hey, if that short ginger, Eric Murphy got with her, maybe I can too."

Round 17: Penelope Cruz v Sofia Vergara

Two Hispanic cougars battle it out in Round 2 of the East Central Conference.  Both actresses are under the age of 40 but not by much.  Still they are both very attractive.  Penelope Cruz has been in many movies, but I don't really know which ones she is most known for.  Wikipedia says "Cruz achieved recognition for her lead roles in Vanilla Sky and Blow."  So I guess we'll go with that, but I haven't seen either of those movies.  She was nominated for an Oscar in 2006 for her role in the Spanish movie, Volver, but I haven't seen that either.  The only thing I know about Cruz, I've realized, is that she is incredibly attractive. 

Round 16: Rebecca Romijn v Jennifer Aniston

We now leave the South Western Conference to our second to last conference the East Central Conference. The ECC is home to one of the brackets' favored winners: Emmanuelle Chriqui. But before we get to her and her lovely body, we first must judge Rebecca Romijn and Jennifer Aniston. Besides having a weird last name, Romijn has starred in the new X-Men movies as Mystique. But besides those two things I don't really know much about her. I might even vote against my own bracket because she is old (38) and doesn't retain the beauty of Aniston.

Round 15: Scarlett Johansson v Elisha Cuthbert

We finish the South Western Conference with a battle between two extremely sexy women.  Scarlett Johansson is widely regarded as one of the sexiest women alive, for good reason. Featuring an attractive face, incredible body and all natural boobs to die for, Johannson is going to  force Cuthbert to give it her all to win this round.  Johansson also does all her own stunts, and considering the moves she pulled off in Iron Man 2 makes that a pretty impressive claim.  Oh, by the way, she was really the only reason to see the rather disappointing Iron Man sequel.

Round 14: Heather Graham v Kate Beckinsale

Two cougars face off in this round between Heather Graham and Kate Beckinsale.  Graham who is famous for her roles in Drugstore Cowboy and Boogie Nights is now 41 years old and can steal a man's heart when he finds out she guest starred in Arrested Development for an episode.  I guess that didn't help Portia de Rossi, but perhaps it will give Graham the edge over the marvelous Kate Beckinsale.

Round 12: Morena Baccarin v Blake Lively

After finishing the South Eastern Conference, our attention now turns to the South Western bracket.  This is the only bracket that is not represented in the finals on anyone's brackets.   That being said this bracket still features some hotties including Katy Perry's breasts.  Starting off this Conference, however, is science fiction superstar actress, Morena Baccarin.  Famous for her roles in Firefly, V and Stargate SG-1, Baccarin has acted in some of the best most recent science fiction television out there (an unfortunate exclusion from her credits is Battlestar Galactica). She's also pretty attractive, however, I personally think her alien daughter, Laura Vandervoort, is much more attractive.  Had she been in BSG, her attractiveness would go up significantly.

Round 9: Heather Locklear v Jenny Morrison

Having just come from a round with two older lades, we now move into another.  One of them, Heather Locklear, is favored to win the tournament, by one judge, however, most judges don't put too much faith in Locklear's looks.  Known best for her role in Melrose Place (almost 20 years ago), Locklear is approaching fifty with her birthday coming up in a couple of months.  Personally, I don't think she is that attractive, but rather seems to embody the incredibly fake older woman trying to compete with much more attractive, younger, women.  The brackets tend to agree, with six out of the nine saying that Locklear is less attractive than Jenny Morrison.

Round 6: Anne Hathaway v Jessica Biel

Anne Hathaway's beauty is surprising.  Not because I think someone named Anne Hathaway cannot be attractive, but because while watching movies she in the idea creeps into your mind that "wow, she's actually pretty attractive."  Some may prefer this more subtle beauty, especially when looking at the voting habits of some of the judges.  Unfortunately, for Hathaway, only one judge has her advancing past the West Central finals, and he then predicts that she makes it to the finals.  So while there may be some virtue in Hathaway's understated attractiveness, it may not be able to carry her far in the tournament. However, Hathaway is expected to give Jessica Biel a run for her money, with four out of nine judges predicting Hathaway to advance.

Round 5: Laura Vandervoort v Portia de Rossi

For fans of the show, V, you know what I'm talking about when I say that Tyler is one of the most annoying characters of all time - yes, even more annoying than Deb from Dexter - which makes it incredibly painful to see him with his incredibly hot, alien girlfriend, Laura Vandervoort.  God damn!  Tyler isn't even that attractive! This kid, who sports a hair cut from the 90's, frequently gets to hook up with the gorgeous Vandervoort.  Look at her face!  Her breasts! Her ass! Her body! and in honor of Google SafeSearch: Look at her hair!  He doesn't deserve her.  There are only a few people noble enough to be with a girl like her, and I think we know who some of them are. 

Round 4: Megan Fox v Nicole Kidman

Having come from the relatively one-sided North Eastern Conference, it's time to move to the arguably far more competitive Western Bracket.  Most notably the West Central Conference.  Hosting big name heart throbs like Mila Kunis, Laura Vandervoort and Megan Fox, this conference features every actress in its finals, the only Conference besides the South Eastern.  Does this mean that the West Central Conference is just weak (no one from the West is predicted to win the entire tournament) or does it mean the conference is stacked and all of the actresses are just too hot for their own good?  That's for us to decide.

Round 3: Julie Bowen v Keira Knightley

For round three, the North Eastern Conference presents a unique pairing: our first 40+ actress and the reason every guy wishes girls still wore corsets -- or whatever it was that pushed up Knightley's oh so fine breasts.  The dresses are just much classier than push-up bras.

Jennifer Love Hewitt v Jessica Alba

Game two is upon us (or game three according to the bracket). Here two superstars face each other in what is sure to be a heated debate. On side one we have the lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt. Known best for her role in the supernatural drama Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties Ghost Whisperer, Hewitt dazzled audiences with her bodacious breasts and sizzling smile.

Unfortunately for her, she's up against bracket-prediction favorite Jessica Alba. There's good reason Alba is a favorite to win it too: she's incredibly hot. Oddly, while googling (that sounds really dirty) Alba for her picture, "Jessica Alba hair" was the second recommendation after just "Jessica Alba."

I turned off SafeSearch to see what would turn up then, and not only did I get "Jessica Alba Hair," but I also got "Jessica Alba short hair." Now she definitely has the sexy golden brown hair, but really guys? She also has a rack to die for, not to mention her sexy Latina body.

But I guess the Jessica Alba crowd is in it to win it with those luscious locks. Now even though I've used a lot of alliteration, it's time to vote between Hewitt and Alba. Hopefully the link works below if not. You can stare at the pictures as we try to fix the problems.

PS: For those of you who were wondering "Jennifer Love Hewitt hot" was listed one spot before "Jennifer Love Hewitt hair" on both Moderate SafeSearch and no SafeSearch.

Emma Watson v Hayden Panettiere: Hayden Panettiere Winner!

Emma Watson, best known for being Hermione Granger and perhaps every wizarding boy's first crush now goes to Brown University. Unfortunately for her, and us, she chopped off her hair and now looks like a man. So, for the fairness of this round we'll judge the long-haired Watson. More bad news, however, we can't judge the cgi-ed version of Watson that was featured in the newest HP movie who was much hotter than normal Watson. With her long-haired normal self, will Watson be able to pull the win out over Hayden Panettiere, the sexy, indestructible Hero?

After Heroes started to suck, the only reason anyone would probably want to watch Heroes was for the aptly named Hiro, who unfortunately started becoming annoying as the show progressed, or for Hayden Panettiere who was well...attractive enough to keep some people watching.